Yuan Shao, King of Bad Rumors
by SilentNinja
Summary: One of the main reasons Yuan Shao got into power and won the YuanGongsun War. Now he's back with a vengeance on his defeat at Guan Du. Spreading rumors across the Three Kingdoms. One Shot Randomness


Disclaimer: I don't own DW/3K

Yuan Shao, King Of Bad Rumors

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At Xu Chang….

"My lord!" Xu Zhu came into the audience with a terrifying look.

"What brings you here so worried at a time like this?" Cao Cao prepares to listen.

"The whole town is talking about the bad rumor about you! Rumors spread that you're gay and Lu Bu was your real lover, not Lady Bian!" Xu Zhu informed.

"What the hell!? That damn numbskull, now he's really starting to get a war with me!!" Cao Cao angrily stood up and clutches his fist. He knew it was Yuan Shao who's trying to agitate his territories in order to get his men to join Yuan Shao.

"That's not all; our troops are deserting your ranks! Your concubines scream in agony thinking they're getting AIDS, so were your wives. Lady Bian filed a divorce!" Xu Zhu knee and whimpered.

"NOOOOO!!!! Not my entire harem!!! What am I going to do!? I can't live without sex!! I like WOMEN NOT MEN!!!!" Cao Cao couldn't take it anymore. It drove him insane and his ministers tried to restrain him, but soon, Cao Cao felt a headache and he passed out.

At Jiang Dong…

"Father, Mother, how could you!" Sun Shang Xiang stormed into her father's room where he's cleaning his sword while her mother playing with her Ke.

"Ah, Shang Xiang, GuoTai and I have been thinking about giving you a husband to wed now that you've come to age," Sun Jian said.

"Save it! If it's Liu Bei, then you're insane having me marry the guy who had a one night stand with my mother!" Sun Shang Xiang turns to her mother disgusted with the affair.

"Wha…where did you get that from?!" Wu Guotai asked looking worried of her daughter's hateful glare.

"There's a rumor going in the barracks where Zhou Yu told me. Everyone knows the rumors about mother and Liu Bei and you didn't know anything about it?!" Sun Shang Xiang scowled.

"Dear, I never had sexual relations with Liu Bei. He's a nice and honest man as we talked," Wu Guotai explained.

"Where did those rumors come from? I swear if it's one of Yuan Shao's bad rumors, I will drag him and his family into the tiger's den!" Sun Jian stood up and went to gather his army to Hebei.

"Mother…" Sun Shang Xiang whimpered.

"No, Shang Xiang. It's just bad rumors….Liu Bei…" Wu Guotai restrained her daughter, but Shang Xiang shook her head and ran out of the room crying.

"I don't want to here anymore about that two timing hypocrite!!" Sun Shang Xiang hollered.

At Chengdu….

"My lord, Yuan Shao is spreading bad rumors here. It says that you had an affair with Lady Wu," Zhuge Liang informed.

"Is he talking about my wife, Wu Yu' s sister?" Liu Bei raised eyebrow.

"No, not that Lady Wu, the other Lady Wu," Zhuge Liang calmly corrected.

"You mean…what?! Sun Jian's wife!? That's absurd! We just talked! If it makes Sun Shang Xiang angry, then I'll send a message of apology," Liu Bei denied and sent the messenger to his throne.

"This may jeopardize our chances for an alliance with Wu. I suggest you write the letter of apology to the Sun family and ask them if it's ok to proceed with the marriage arrangements," Zhuge Liang suggested.

"Yes, it'll be so. However, I have to ditch my wife Lady Wu for Sun Shang Xiang. She'll mistake me for wanting her in my harem," Liu Bei rubbed his chin thinking of a way to get the warrior princess.

"Prime Minister!" Jiang Wei hurried into the throne.

"Hm?" Zhuge Liang turns to his finest student.

"T…the Wu army….they're here. They broke through our defenses and are storming with orders to take our lord's head! Sun Shang Xiang is the commander of Wu forces behind the invasion!" Jiang Wei reported.

"Noooo, Kongming!!" Liu Bei begged into Zhuge Liang's sleeves.

"Looks like we'll have to go with plan B. Jiang Wei, we're leaving back to Long Zhong. Thank you, Liu Bei for everything, but I'm afraid this is the only way out, farewell," Zhuge Liang smiled nervously and escapes with Jiang Wei.

The whole Shu army is in panic and Wu rushed into the castle where the furious Sun Shang Xiang stomped to the shuddering Liu Bei begging her.

"Liu Bei the Imperial Hypocrite! How dare you make a fool out of me and screw my mother!!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted out her fury and aim at Liu Bei's manhood with her bow and arrow.

"Shang Xiang, please let me explain!" Liu Bei begged.

The scene turned violent and Liu Bei is seen running around the castle dodging Sun Shang Xiang's arrows of doom.

At Chai Sang…

"Zhou Yu, where's Da?" Sun Ce comes into Zhou Yu's home angry.

"Da, I thought she's at your house happily taking care of your heir you finally have," Zhou Yu looked at his best friend confused.

"Oh really Einstein?! Then why am I hearing people gossiping about you with Da at the district? Are you certain there isn't anything lusty between the two of you?" Sun Ce crossed his arms studying Zhou Yu's movements.

"Bofu, if Da and I were to cross paths, we usually talk about you and her sister. She loves you so much and is secure of your amusing antics. May I ask why are you bringing this up?" Zhou Yu sighed.

"Because your wife cried in my arms and said, 'that damn jackass, using me like I'm just a clueless girl who couldn't act womanly like my sister!' Gongjin, just what the hell is going on! I resent this affair tendency because we both been trusted and fair since childhood," Sun Ce raised his voice sternly.

"Yes…I know, however, you do know Yuan Shao is trying to tear us apart with that rumor. It could be him, I know it," Zhou Yu nodded.

"Then what do you say, we go see our wives together and explain everything starting at the beginning of our relationship. Why would Qiao Xuan give us opposite matches? This shall help strengthen our marriages better," Sun Ce said.

"Then by all means, let us. We know each other too well, that numbskull's bad rumor is predictable enough to cause discontent with the townsfolks and my wife," Zhou Yu grinned.

The two sworn brothers went to their wives to settle the confusion.

Somewhere around Bing Zhou…

"Chen Gong, where's Diao Chan?" Lu Bu went into Chen Gong's room who is reading.

"She went to visit Zhang Liao at Wei to talk him into coming back to your army," Chen Gong answered.

"Really? Then there's a rumor about Diao Chan being raped on the way there! Who could have done this to Diao Chan!?" Lu Bu growled and cocked his head closer to Chen Gong. The man beast's rage is understandably fearsome, but Chen Gong remains calm. Since the subject is Diao Chan and it rhymes with rape.

"Isn't it obvious that Dong Zhou wants revenge on her for betraying him along with Wang Yun and yourself? Why don't you let it all out by sending your troops into Guan Zhong where Dong Zhuo is recovering his army," Chen Gong smiled in advising.

"With pleasure…." Lu Bu grabs his Sky Scorcher and called out Gao Shun to rouse his men.

Meanwhile at Chang An…

"We finally got Chang An back from Cao Cao and now we must get Luo Yang and the emperor back," Li Ru said.

"Meh, we can get everything back from those rebels. Cao Cao, Liu Bei and Sun Jian self declared Kings?! Nonsense! Not while I'm still alive. Now I'm the only real Han loyalist here ever since they brought that Coalition at me! Hua Xiong!" Dong Zhuo called his loyal general here.

"My lord! Terrible news…it's…it…." The soldier came breathing himself out of running to his lord.

"What is it now?! Make it quick so I can get my bath with my ladies and have my granddaughter become prefect of Tian Shui!" Dong Zhuo hissed.

"For…forgive me, but after we occupied Tong Gate…there's an army approaching from the east!" the soldier reported.

"It must be Cao Cao! Well he's wetting his pants now of my return. He never beat Xu Rong! Men, rouse the army! Li Ru, go tell my girls that play time will have to wait," Dong Zhou ordered.

"No my lord, not Cao Cao…it's it's…." and before the soldier could answer.

At Tong Gate….

"IT'S LU BU! LU BU HAS COME TO DESTROY US!" The gate captain shouted.

"Dong Zhuo! Get your punkarse back here so I can smash you worst than Orochi!" Lu Bu hollered his fury across Guan Zhong.

Elsewhere at He Fei…

"Diao Chan, I don't know how much I missed you. But, I can't return to Lu Bu, not when Cao Cao has left me alive…." Zhang Liao stroked her pale face.

"Then I'll stay with you," Diao Chan smiled.

"But, if you do so. You can never come back to Lu Bu. Are you sure about this Cicada?" Zhang Liao warned her.

"Yes, I'm prepared for that," Diao Chan nodded.

At the house of Cao in Chen Liu….

"Mother have you seen Zhen Ji?" Cao Pi asked.

"No, I thought she stayed at the place in Xu Chang with you," Lady Bian denied.

"It appears so. Unfortunately, she isn't in the place as I checked my room," Cao Pi recapped the last time he saw Zhen Ji.

"I'm divorcing your father, because he's gay, but hindered knowing it's that numbskull's rumors again, however the concubines all left, not that I'm disappointed," Bianshi sighed.

"Meh, I heard one of his rumors that Zhen Ji returned to Yuan Xi. Heh, like she'll go back to that loser," Cao Pi scoffed.

"If she's not in Xu Chang or in here, then she might possibly be," Bianshi frowned.

"Never…, I'll be leading my army to take back Ye from Yuan Shao and teach him a lesson not to do the same useless strategy twice to decrease our army. Just because every one of my father's enemies has returned, Cao family is still the most powerful in this land. Tell father I have everything under control," Cao Pi then went out to the barracks to gather his army. His mother smiled a little, he's always the charismatic one of her sons.

At Ye….

"With Wu conquering Shu, Wei is declining due to Cao Cao being gay and Lu Bu and Dong Zhuo tearing each other apart. Now it's time to send our army to attack Wei and punish the traitors who held the emperor hostage for so long," Guo Tu complied.

"Yes, let this be the moment of Yuan family redemption. I loss to Cao Cao once, I will not lose to him again and this time I will boost the defenses of my supply routes and trample the ennuch's son with my massive army. Guan Yu is no longer around Wei, so Wen Chou and Yan Liang can safely take the heads of Wei's warriors. My bad rumor trick works wonders since Gongsun Idiot had fallen before me," Yuan Shao smiled.

"The Yuan family is back with a vengeance father," Yuan Shang cockily phrased.

"Some of our men who joined Wei should be punished, my lord," Shen Pei said.

"And my brother…" Xin Ping sighed.

"Yes, they'll all pay the price for their shameful teachery, that goes for Zhang He too! Are you all ready to take back what is suppose to be our victory at Guan Du?" Yuan Shao ralled.

"Yeah! REVENGE ON GUAN DU!!" Yuan Shao's men cried.

"No Guan Yu! No Win!" Yan Liang boomed.

"No Guan Yu! No Win!" All cried.

"My lord!" Suddenly a soldier hurried to call off the momentum.

"What is it?" Yuan Shao listened with no interest.

"The people of Ye are in revolt. It's everyone in north china! Ji Zhou, Qing Zhou and You zhou!" The soldier reported.

"What?!" Yuan Shao choked.

"What a lousy rumor….Hahahah! that's Cao Cao's answer to our strategy. Yet, the Cao family are the ones who dethroned the Han," Yuan Shang chuckled.

"But….the people believe the rumors to be true. They're storming into the palaces with weapons also, the rumor of you rising the taxes as well as planning to declare yourself Emperor," The soldier said.

Outside Ye…

"Yuan Shao sucks! Yuan Shao sucks!!" The people protested.

The End


End file.
